This is a test of the emergency broadcast system ....

Well, it looks like I'm blogging again. It has been so many years, but I believe I still have some form of talent for doing this. Maybe .... I hope. 

Where to begin? Well I guess I should start with talking about my mom. The great and powerful ... no that's not it at all. My mom was somewhat different than most moms I know. We had quite the rocky relationship, but she was my mom and so I obviously love her. 

In September of 2019 I got a call from her boyfriend because she was at the emergency room and the doctor kicked him out and was putting a tube down her throat. So, I called the hospital to find out what was happening and why, but all they would tell me was that she had been put on a ventilator and they couldn't give me anymore information. So at 3 in the morning, I called Bobbie, told her to get dressed, we had an emergency back home, and we headed back home to Ohio. 

We were nearly there when the hospital called to find out how soon I would be there as the doctor needed to speak with me as soon as possible. My heart sank, but I was still a half hour out. I already knew whatever was happening was really bad. I kept my head on and we made it just fine. 

We jetted to my moms ICU room, where I found her heavily sedated with Propofol, and on a ventilator. The nurse came in to meet with me briefly and said she would let the doctor know I was there. I began calling family to inform them of the current situation, and distracted myself while waiting for him. He finally showed up and let me know that my mother had cancer, it was advanced, and he suggested we simply let her go. I want to know things he couldn't answer, like what kind of cancer, where was it at, were there treatment options. His answer was, "well it's advanced so she is dying …" NOPE! I was not willing to sit there and just let my mom die. 

12 hours later she and her ventilator were in an ambulance and we were all heading back to Indiana. I had her transferred to Parkview Regional Hospital in Fort Wayne. Awesome hospital, amazing cancer center. It was everything I needed for her. She extubated herself a few hours after we arrived. Bobbie, Dammit Dan ( Her boyfriend) and myself had gone to let her settle as she was irritated from the ride, but still heavily sedated with the Propofol. Somehow she had managed to grab the tube and ripped it out. We got lucky, and she didn't hurt herself doing it. 

Over the next few days we found out her diagnosis. Stage iv Laryngeal cancer, Stage IVA lung cancer. She was dying, but they were to have a tumor board meeting and discuss treatment options. After a few weeks we got those answers. 10 days of radiation for the throat, and we could try keytruda, she was far too weak for chemo. 

I also had them give her a trach and a feeding tube as the tumor in her throat was restricting air flow and her ability to swallow. She hated it, but she understood we had to do this to help fight this cancer. She was a fighter too, she battled it, refused to give up, and she made it very clear, "I am going to beat this!" True story Ma, you did beat it, just not the way either of us thought beating it would be. 

Anyway On January 17th I had no choice left but to put my spunky 90 pound mother on hospice. We were not defeated, but she was so tired, and everything else was falling apart for her. On January 18th she ate her last meal. I made chili, and she ate almost and entire scoop, by mouth. Oh yea, her feeding tube ended up getting infected and that trach didn't stop her from eating, she loved food. Don't judge her, because YOLO!!!  

I cried when I told her she was dying, but I had to do something to help us both. So, I told her, "You don't have to leave mom, when you are out of your body, just look for me, and come back. You can stay!" 

On January 27th, as I was about to give her more morphine, she released her last breath. I whispered to her, "Don't go mom, look for me, I'm right here." I yelled for my aunt and for Dan. Her favorite aide bonnie had just finished giving her a bed bath moments before, and I asked her to call the nurse, but she was to come at 3, and since it was noon I wanted her to wait until 3 to come. I called my cousin, and let the rest of my family know mom had passed. 

It was all very hard, and my heart was destroyed. What can you do in those times though? I simply did the best I could with my fallen world. I miss that mean little woman like none other, but I know how lucky I am to have been able to be with her every day of the cancer fight. 

Grief took over though, how couldn't it. I struggled to function normally, but I was managing to some degree. It's all a blur, it's still a blur now, everything spins in my mind like a tornado constantly. 

In April I realized I should definitely have had my cycle but I couldn't remember when the last one was, I still can't remember. At the suggestion of a co worker, I took a pregnancy test, and low and behold, I'm 40 years old, grieving the loss of my mother, and now I'm pregnant too. Holy crap Mom, what did we do?????? Yep we, I told her to stay, and you guys, I truly believe she found a way to actually do it. I'll always believe that I think. If I have a girl, I'll know 100%, hands down. I'll be raising my mother! 

On April 12th I had an OB appointment to medically confirm pregnancy. Definitely pregnant. I'll be having an ultrasound soon to see how far I might be. I am hopeful that we will only see a single baby, but my mom IS an identical twin, and they were pregnancy #7, babies 7&8 for my grandparents, and with both my Mom and Auntie passed, well I'm slightly nervous about twins, being pregnancy #7 and the pact I made with my mom. 

Well, that's how this all started, stick around, it's not over yet.